http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-11-06/lawyers-wage-campaign-to-end-lawyer-jokes
I found the stamp one particularly funny. You guys got any good ones?
What’s long and hard on a lawer? Their first finance class.
What’s the dif between a lawyer and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of 4.
What did the lawyer’s kid get for Christmas? My bike.
What do lawyers use for birth control? #TheirPersonalities
What WON’T you see in front of a dead lawyer laying in the road? #Skidmarks
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? #aGoodStart
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.
Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 A: Senator.
Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: Accountants know they’re boring.
Q: What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed? A: A jury.
Q: Why did God invent lawyers? A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer? A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike? A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for? A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? A: They’re both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad. A: Senator.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? A: Taller
Q: What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? A: The pronunciation.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented? A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”? A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can’t understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?” She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.” The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?” “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2+2?” The housewife replies: “Four!”. The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.” The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
hahaha these are absolute gold jerry!
does anyone know what the hacksaw benchmark for lawyers is?
When my cousin got into law school, his mom was all thrilled and said she was gonna get free legal work. My cousin responded with, “For family, I’m charging double!”
All lawyers are hacksaw, didn’t you get the memo!?
Top 2 MBA and 3/3 on the CFA or hack your nads. That’s it.
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