I was at Club getaway resort in Connecticut during memorial Weekend. Tons of people from NYC were there. I met a few HCBs. It wasn’t long before they started dumping on men in NYC. It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard NY women complain about the male quality in their city. One told me that she was looking for a well established, loyal guy. My AF self would have replied that you can only have a maximum of 2 of the following: 1) good looking 2) successful 3) faithful. But I was there to get laid, not to smack some rational truth. Another NY woman overhearing our conversation shouted out and I quote :“New York men are useless”. One other one cried out that it’s not normal that a man can’t build a shed from scratch and all New Yorkers she’s met cannot. WTF?
Fast forward to today. F1 is in my neck of the woods this weekend and we have a ton of tourists in town, including New York. My buddy and I meet a group of 5 women from NYC. All it took was a few minutes for them to go in an unprovoked rant about how clueless men in NYC are and how the people they’ve met here so far are “soooo much betta”.
I’ve dated someone in Indy before and I’ve seldom heard her friends complain about the males in their town. I also have family in Cali which I visit once a year and rarely heard the females on the West Coast bitch about the lack of quality of men in their area. Same in Boston when I visit every few years.
Are NYC women unrealistic in their expectations or is there a grain of truth in what they’re saying? You guys are getting a bad rap and should stand up for yourselves.
It’s the case everywhere. Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility. Not satisfied with men in their city, they look elsewhere. I remember, not finding women in Sydney attractive. Took a trip to Paris, found them more attractive. Got tired of looking at the ones in Paris, and found the Sydney one’s more attractive.
Female talent concentration is abnormally high. You also have to make a sh!tton of money to be considered “successful.” This combination leads to women complaining about the men there.
Well, people in NYC (particularly Manhattan) are distinctly different from people in other cities based on the time I’ve spent in each and the friends I have there. I don’t really think its a good or bad thing, there’s just a distinct difference. If you want a man that can build a shed, what the frick are you doing in Manhattan? Don’t go to backwoods Alabama and complain that none of your neighbors have PhD’s or enjoy talking about their summer homes. Manhattan basically is at the far end of a spectrum of people pursuing a particular lifestyle.
But most of the girls making these complaints are also so materialistic and so far detached from reality in the rest of the world that it’s akin to sorority girls complaining that chivalry is dead. They are into the idea of a handyman, but if they had to do farmwork, they’d get over that notion relatively quickly. I think I fall a little more on the country guy side of the spectrum, and I enjoy dating country girls. Manhattan girls are pretty attractive but I’d have no interest in getting into that scene, probably wouldn’t be competitive either. Life takes all types.
I did take several of my manhattan friends that I’ve known for ages out on beginner whitewater trips and ski trips and I think it was only in those settings that I realized how much they contrasted their surroundings and stood out like a sore thumb.
A family friend is in her 70s and her daughter is in her 40s. The daughter is attractive and intelligent, but talks too much. A date with her is pretty much going out to listen to a woman give a monologue (judging by how she acts in pretty much every other situation). The talk is typically at least interesting and informed, and it does mean that all one has to do with her is say “uh huh” and “ok” for an hour, but the guy can’t get a word in edgewise. She seldom gets a second date with anyone.
I’ve known them for about 20 years, and the talking problem used to be just annoying, but in recent years it’s become practically intolerable. I still see them occasionally out of respect for a 20 year history, and the fact that they helped me through a few hard times in my past, but I don’t choose to spend much time with them if I can avoid it.
Both of them sit there and talk about how “Men don’t like intelligent or strong women.” But that’s not the problem. There are plenty who do. But there’s a difference between “strength” and “domineering,” or “being a control freak.” Sometimes I think “I’m a woman who knows what she wants” is online-dating code for “I’m a control freak.”
Anyway, what the mom says is still kind of funny. The mom thinks she’s a feminist, but her feminism is really just whitewashed misanthropy. Admittedly, her dad was a jerk and when she was young lots of guys were just after her body, and she wasn’t so well educated anyway (though the daughter is, mom married rich to an older guy who died long ago) so there’s perhaps an understandable reason for it. But it’s still basically man-hating, held out to the world as feminism. (For the record, I think there are lots of valid points in feminism, but I don’t subscribe to this woman’s version)
So the mom says: “Men are just big babies, weak, superficial creatures who can’t commit, are emotionally distant, and use women. Women are always having to back them up and clean up the messes they leave.”
And then, the funniest thing comes next: “And it just makes me so *angry* that my daughter can’t get one.”
This is a big joke. They probably aren’t that great if they can’t lock something down or they’re dilusional about what they expect from a single person. They hate the men here, but you can bet they wouldn’t move to your city where they’re so much better. Why? Because they just want to humble brag about living in NYC by acting like they’re over it. That is a very common theme of NY people - especially those not from NY.
“Oh me? I live in NYC, but I’m so over it! Bleh!” - Small town farm girl who wants to pretend she ‘made it’
and any successful good looking loyal handyman is going to get locked down quickly - these girls just can’t face the fact that they’re not up to spec. Can they even cook? That’s a basic requirement for any handy man.
The mistake a lot of people make when they move from a small place to a big place is assuming that the big place will be the same as the small place but scaled up. so there’ll be more people, more variety but otherwise just the same
they don’t realise that the entire league system is thrown off, people have more choice, filters adapt, it becomes more of a game, people date more knowlingly and cynically, everyone can seem jaded. there’s a class system
Someone once told me: “Everyone in New York is looking for 1) a job, 2) an apartment, and 3) a girlfriend (or boyfriend). If they already have it, they’re looking for a better one.”
I agree – it’s more than just scale, because scale changes social dynamics.
As someone that has lived in New York for over 20 years at various points in my life (including the present), I think the issue with New York is that people are always on the go and there is always a ton of stuff going on. As a result, nobody wants to “settle down” for fear of missing out, people tend to be more protective of their time than even their money or dignity, and everyone is looking to upgrade.
I won’t get into a discussion of what men look for vs. what women look for, but for the most part I think the stereotypes for what people look for a true and are accentuated in New York.
As an early 30’s male where my career is on the upside, I definitely would be chasing tail all night if I didn’t already have a girlfriend and I had no concerns about STD’s. Picking up women in NYC if you fit certain basic parameters is far easier than picking stocks, except the problem is I get paid for picking stocks not women.
Women know there are a lot of men in NYC that are “quality”, and as the OP said they want someone that is good-looking, successful and loyal. Great, so does every other girl out there – that’s why in many cases, you have to settle for 2 of the 3. If you’re a good-looking and successful guy, why even bother to settle when there’s relatively little opportunity cost of keeping your options open (I ask myself this sometimes…j/k, in case my girlfriend is reading this)?
Women may say there are better men outside NYC, but they keep coming back to the prototypical “2 out of 3” NYC male because in many cases that male is pretty awesome to what they might find elsewhere. These same women often think they’re different from every other woman out there, so somehow they can be “the woman” to change the man and make him “3 for 3.” Well, good luck with that!
I think what I was saying is that the people are in fact fundamentally different in NYC than elsewhere. Not just scaled up or better, simply different, for better or for worse. I can absolutely see the allure of NYC and its people. But I also don’t live there for a reason.
I think the problem with girls in NYC complaining about guys not having handyman skills is that its a stupid place to be looking for a handyman and most likely they’d be disillusioned with the lifestyle if they did meet one. Those girls are in NYC for a reason, most likely because they prescribe to a somewhat materialistic lifestyle.
Taken out of their natural environment, everyone looks a little silly. When my friends from Manhattan came to outdoors towns with me they were pretty awkward in the social scene whereas they date extremely well in Manhattan. Part of it was being a bit effeminate for where we were, and some of it was struggling to talk about things unrelated careers. So it’s not merely everything being scaled up and better as some people pointed out, the entire dynamic and the metrics themselves change in a different environment.
I also agree with Bchad’s sentiments about a quality woman. Loyalty can me a hard thing to adhere to, but its a worthwhile pursuit for the right people.
But I think sometimes if you wait too long you can snag a 9 or 10 on paper that fits all your qualifications but has become jaded or cynical, or perhaps you yourself can become susceptible to cynicism. I really didn’t want my long term relationship to have the feel of a business transaction and was fortunate to meet someone to soften me up a bit and undo some of the callousness I’d unknowningly developed.
I liked Black Swan’s point that if you’re looking for a handyman, Manhattan ain’t the place to look. Just as if you’re looking for a thoughtful theatre critic, rural Arkansas isnt’ the place to go.
New York is unique to America in so many ways. How we are crammed together; how most of us don’t need cars; how we don’t have gardens; how many different alternatives are available to us. How packages left on subways and busses seem extra suspicious. Maybe people don’t like that, and the upshot is that they should fish elsewhere.