^ Markbot - can I have my crystal ball reading too please?
Numi, if you detach yourself from the situation, you tend to find out fairly quickly if the girl really likes you. Like you said, usually it makes the girl want to chase you more. Other times, they think you are player and moving on to the next girl. In this situation, you have a legitimate right to detach because she is not giving you the level of attention that you need or desire. If her job is her main concern than you are well within your rights to detach yourself from the situation and look for other girls. Like you said, long term this will not work if she is so career focused. A career is very important, but so are relationships and these take work. I would not make it obvious, but tone down the interest level on your part and see what happens. I would definitely continue to see other girls if you get the opportunity.
numi Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > eire1130 – just curious, why did your not being a > casual dater send girl #2 running? Was it that you > personally didn’t believe in dating multiple girls > at once, or because you didn’t want her to be > seeing multiple guys at the same time? I think casual dating is fine for the first couple months, but there comes a point where you need to make a decision. I made my decision. I personally do not “casual date” at any point (by that I mean intimacy), but I am also not so naive as to think the girl I am currently seeing isn’t seeing other guys at the same time. I’m ok with that, and I kind of like the challenge, but once things get to a certain level of seriousness, I have a talk. I believe my exact words were to her after a very long conversation were “If you want to continue seeing other people, I can’t be one of them”. Also, a good lesson her is don’t threaten with ultimatums. Anyway, we went back to her place for some breakup lovin’ on Thursday and she made me redundant by that Monday. (she want me to continue to be a part of her flock, wherein I declined) Also, I’m catholic (albeit not a very good one). It also partly depends on what you want, you see - this redheaded girl is a good example of this principle. I mean, I know exactly what I’m looking for, and a girl who is still interested in just “having a good time” is not it. Now, back five six years ago when I was in the Navy? Well, things would have been different. I’m also extremely patient, and I’m completely fine with playing the numbers game for a few years until the right one comes along. It’s a little expensive this way, but I’m also having the best time of my life in the meantime (and I really mean that). If I was you and I truly felt this wasn’t some sort of blowoff, or worse, a backburner situation, I would probably stick it out. Even in a city as big as NYC (no idea where you are) their is an incredibly small population of people you will actually like on a long term basis.
numi Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Hey guys, thank you all for the feedback. I think > this girl has quite a bit of potential. For the > last eight months, I’ve basically just been dating > casually and non-exclusively. I think the current > girl has a lot of promise, and since I met her, I > actually don’t really miss the bachelor, > no-strings-attached type of life. very good sign. However, the one > drawback is that I think that she’s more concerned > about her job than dating/relationships at the > moment (though, we’ve only been going out for a > couple months so I can’t say that she’ll always be > like this). That’s too bad, because when we do > spend time together, it’s quality – we spend a > lot of time just hanging around either at her > place or mine, cooking, watching movies, and just > the usual stuff that guys and girls do when > they’re attracted to each other. > > However, once her work gets in the way, everything > else seems to go on the shelf. I think she knows > that I’m interested, and the more interest I show, > the more comfortable she feels about putting me on > the backburner (very predictable…I should > probably exercise some self-restraint). correlation <> causation. could just be just a strange coincidence that when you show more interest, somethin crazy happens at work. you said previously that she’ll call you at 12 on saturday night/sunday morning. or maybe what youre perceiving doesnt = reality. It’s > obvious that her job’s her prime concern, and I > can’t blame her for it. nor should you. On the other hand, when I > asked her how she’d feel if I started dating other > people, she didn’t seem to take that very well > (though she also realized that my request wasn’t > unfair, because we hadn’t discussed any type of > exclusivity in our relationship). Did she actually say that she realized that or are you assuming? never assume. i’d put money on the fact that she thinks/wants to be exclusive. why else would she not take that very well? > > Basically, it seems like she and I both put our > careers first. I don’t want girls to become a > distraction for my career, but when I do have > downtime, I’d like the girl to be available to > hang out with. It seems that she feels the same > way too, so we end up being pretty unavailable to > each other during rather inopportune times. In any > case, I don’t think I want to let her go now since > we’re still getting to know each other, but if she > plans to be this career-focused her whole life, I > don’t think that’s a good match for me. sounds like a conversation you need to have with her instead of us. you’re a smart guy and seem to know the answer to this one. > > Like most of you have said, I guess it’s the type > of thing where I have to decide whether she’s > worth dealing with the chaotic hours, and I > haven’t made up my mind on that yet. wait… i’m pretty sure that you just said that you don’t think its a good match if she will be this career-focused her whole life? Hopefully > it’s something I’ll figure out sooner rather than > later… You said yourself that you’ve been in the same situation but reversed (the woman wanted/needed more time than you had available)… it should be fairly easy to take a look back and remember what it was like for you at the time… and i bet she’s feeling something similar… might be struggling a lot with trying to balance a personal life and keep her career on track. if you don’t mind me asking… how old are you anyway? i don’t think there is a question that she’s into you. if she’s “giving up” what little free time she has to spend it with you… very good signs all around.
just date her non-exclusively and tell her to call when she gets off of work for a quick pint you’ll meet up with her at 2am or something and either hook up with her, have a good conversation, or at the very least have one more pint in you for the 3am scene with your friends. it is good for her as well as it is a ‘reward’ for her finishing work
This thread is a classic case of over analysis. Face it she is just not that in to you.
Hey all, thanks for the thoughts. nolabird, I appreciate the insights…In a nutshell, I agree with your assessments because she is trying to make an effort to see me when she actually has spare time. I also understand her position because I definitely would not just bolt out of the office to see her without getting my work done (especially seeing as how I’m still sitting here after an 18 hour day). I don’t think I’m her top priority but I do understand that work comes first. As far as my indecision about whether I want to “hang in there,” it’s because I don’t know her well enough to determine whether she’s always this hardcore about work, or if it’s just because she just switched firms a month ago and is eager to prove to the employer that they made the right decision hiring her. Also agreee with thommo77, bchadwick, and philip.platt among others that it’s best for me to keep my options open. I’m willing to spend less time with her and then see if she’s willing to come back to me. Plus, at the rate that *my* own work-life balance is going, maybe I should be more concerned with my own work situation than hers… Anyway, I just wrapped up with work (it’s 2:15AM right now) and am leaving the office now, so I’ll get back to reading the rest of this stuff when I have a pair of fresh eyes. Again, thanks all for the perspectives. Goodnight
I had the same problem. But the different is I was the one who works close to 100 hours per week and she works from 9-6. I tried to have time for her but then it’s not enough for her. At the end, we decided to break up. Basically, the other person needs to be more understanding with the working hours.
Huh? You need to give her such good loving that she’ll think twice about working late. Take control, man up, get down and dirty (the more of this the better). That should be your sole focus. This is the only time you need to think about being hardcore. Maximise your (and her) pleasure in the knowledge that it might not last forever. That will minimise your regret. If you don’t do it, someone like me will. If she works close to you, find somewhere for lunchtimes. There is always time. Lunchtime loving is the best. You return to work safe in the knowledge that your day is going way better than all your colleagues.
She reminds me of Jade Butterfield.
my wife works more then me and it sucks sometimes. as long as you have time together you should be fine
goldenboy09 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > my wife works more then me and it sucks sometimes. > as long as you have time together you should be > fine Was +1 until I saw the word ‘it’
Hi numi, What an interesting thread. I think you’ve answered your own question… in any case she wont be able to work like that once she decides on having a family, so I guess it’s just a temporary imbalance. The question is whether you intend to hang around and wait, I guess you will otherwise you hadn’t posted in the first place (then the question would have been too trivial).
Numi, I think it comes down to your preference. It sounds like she’s pretty into you but she’s in a track where her hours at work are not going to decrease any time soon. Personally, I could not handle that in a SO/spouse. I have never dated finance people, and I’m in a place where I don’t average more than 50-60 hours/week. I may never earn IB money, but I can have a family that I actually see and outside interests and still make a good living. Numi, how old is she? She may be thinking she will work like crazy for 5 - 10 years post-undergrad and then ease up and get married and have a family. That doesn’t always happen as planned. She may be trying to have her cake and eat it too, but the job doesn’t allow for a full relationship. You have to decide if you can handle the amount of time she has for you because it probably won’t get any better in the near future (or ever). It wouldn’t work for me, that’s for sure.
Numi, she’s Bulgarian isn’t she?
Muddahudda Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > goldenboy09 Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > my wife works more then me and it sucks > sometimes. > > as long as you have time together you should be > > fine > > > Was +1 until I saw the word ‘it’ true…lol
jealousy isn’t a pretty color on you Pink. stick with the errrrrrrrr Pink.
*woosh* over you head.
Numi, did you select your handle based on a tea brand?
true dat homie.